You Give Good Gifts

“Great gift giving starts with listening”—Sylvia Obell on her podcast Ok, Now Listen. This quote reverberates in my brain when I remember it’s someone I love’s birthday and I suddenly forget every element of who they are as a person. What do they like? What have they mentioned before to me in passing, and more importantly, what have they mentioned to me repeatedly? 

Being great at giving gifts takes years of practice AND caring about the person you’re getting a gift for. You have to pay attention when your friends talk to you. You have to know what they want and need more than they do. You have to care. Which can be hard for us sometimes when we’re conditioned to focus almost entirely on ourselves.

Sylvia Obell and her cohost, Scottie Beam, established the basics of great gift giving and how to avoid a bad gift. Bad gifts are given and felt everywhere. Scottie and Sylvia talked about the worst gifts they received that made them think their break-ups with the gift giver would be imminent. They mentioned ground rules around gift giving: don’t give people something they need, give them something they want. Don’t buy people practical or cheap gifts. Don’t wait until the last minute to buy someone a gift. And crucially, don’t buy a gift if you benefit from it in some way. 

The example Scottie Beam gave of selfish gift-giving was that of her boyfriend at the time purchasing her a Peloton for Valentines Day because she had mentioned wanting to work out more and to try an exercise bike. She didn’t realize he would be keeping it at his place. While she could still use it, it felt conditional on her seeing him instead of her being able to use it at will in her home. This is not a great gift, despite the best of intentions. Although they could both use it, her boyfriend still benefited the most by having it at his apartment. 

Treating yourself is fun and important. Sometimes, I look for small ways to give myself gifts as if Gift Giving was one of my main love languages. It’s not. Acts of Service is, obviously. I look for objects I don’t have and I buy them: sheets without holes in them, expensive organic shampoo, boutique workout classes, probiotics, a fire ladder, I could go on. Sometimes, the most important gift recipient in your life is you. And, sometimes the most important gift giver in your life is also you, so (Tan France voice) make an effort. 

The best gifts often come from the most unexpected and strange places. One of my friends has bought me gifts that I will always remember and love so much. A plant (again, lol), a vinyl edition of Lemonade (I was shocked because this was something I didn’t know I needed), and a 5-minute journal that I write in daily. The journal encourages listing three people or events you’re thankful for first thing in the morning and she has occupied so many of these spaces because I think of her when I write in it. It was such a good gift that I’ve started giving it to others with a set of pens, just like she gave me. Stealing gift ideas is my main move. If it made me feel this great, and it helped me become a better person, why not give this to a friend who likes the same bullshit as me?

Another gift idea I’ve stolen was buying these art cards from Wee Gallery. My roommate bought them as a reasonably priced gift for her friends with newborns or for their baby showers. She’s a teacher and knows about child development and had heard that the cards were great for interacting with your baby when their eyes are too small and shitty to see anything besides black and white pictures of forest animals. I made the catastrophic mistake of stealing this idea and buying it for a mutual friend whom my roommate had planned to buy the cards for, without consulting her first. This was rude of me and I swiftly learned this when I mentioned casually that I’ve been buying the cards for all my pregnant colleagues and friends. She seemed mad which was very fair but I, ultimately, would have been so complimented if my gift idea had been stolen and passed off as their own. What a beautiful gift to give someone, a reusable and great gift idea. 

A gift idea that I love for people who have moved into a new home or apartment is a cutting board. Owning a variety of cutting boards is such a sign of a well rounded person. Different shapes, sizes, and materials are used for different foods. Cutting boards also serve as serving boards for cheese, bread, or desserts. Even if someone has a cutting board, they can always use more.

We all know what getting a good gift feels like. Being understood and seen by those in your life it matters most to be understood and seen by. When your loved ones mess it up, it can be confusing. Or devastating. I thought you knew me better than this. What happened?

Bad gift giving is if you’re buying something for someone you love with the eventual goal of it being returned for something they might like more or something you hadn’t thought of yet. You’ve lost the thread of good gifts. When buying or creating gifts, it helps to aim higher than something they would prefer to return for cash or store credit.

Another very annoying gift to receive is one feeding a casual, recent obsession. If it’s a gift surrounding a topic I started caring about a month ago, it’s likely not going to serve me long term. Not that I won’t still care about it in another month, but it doesn’t have the longevity of a more thoughtful, less knee-jerk gift. Buying disposable, trendy presents reflect a lack of depth to your gift-giving thought process. You wanted it to be over with so you chose the obvious, simple option. An example of this was when years ago I got into a somewhat niche TV show and someone in my life sent me a t-shirt with an inside joke from that show on it that I looked at, tried on, and immediately donated. Not only was I not going to wear it (it fit small), but it referred to a joke about an extremely niche show that wearing it would have made me think about others judging me. And I didn’t want to be someone who would go outside donning a novelty t-shirt. The person who got me this shirt is no longer in my life. It’s not a coincidence. It’s not solely because of the shirt but more of what the shirt represented: he didn’t know me by now. And he would never, ever, ever, ever know me. This man did not love me and his gift giving showed me that. 

I also very famously hate t-shirts with words or slogans on them. My sister-in-law refuses to accept this fact about me and has bought me multiple t-shirts and sweatshirts with inside jokes from the Ellen Show and Oprah 2020 on them. They seldom age well unless I’m trying to look ironic, which I’m not. She adores a shirt that says, “Girls are strong.” I don’t think t-shirts should be funny or political. I’m a t-shirt traditionalist. Why are you trying to do all that? Why are you making me read?

Experiences as gifts seem so obvious to me now. And often much more expensive than a small token that can go a long way. Not everyone has the means to get someone a nice dinner out or movie tickets. But I strongly believe that there are cheaper alternative experiences that can make both your life and your gift recipient’s life easier. My favourite is going for manicures with someone at a reasonable spot by your house. It serves dual purposes. It’s also nice to get a manicure with a man in my life. They always enjoy it, their nails look great after, and what else would they be doing? My nail friend and I often get manicures together. It’s $35 each plus tax and tip and the time spent next to each other chatting and gossiping replenishes my social and aesthetic gas tanks. 

No one would be pissed at receiving a plant in a nice, neutral pot. This gift declares, “I trust you with this plant because you’re a responsible adult.” and “I know you like pretty things so here’s a pretty thing for your apartment.” Plants that don’t die easily (succulents can be neglected for weeks and dried lavender smells amazing) are great decorative options that say, “I know you may be too busy to care for this half-alive thing, but you deserve beauty in your house regardless.” 

Being great at receiving gifts is almost as important as giving and it requires years of practice. My dad still struggles with the attention he receives when opening presents on his birthday or Father’s Day. He overcompensates and acts shocked at our thoughtfulness but it comes off like one of those forced self-tapes that actors did in the ’80s and ’90s that are used in memes. The truth is that we know he’s grateful, and his efforts to show his happiness and gratitude are to be celebrated and not made fun of mercilessly like we do. 

If in the moment, you can’t properly convey your levels of gratitude to your friend or family member, write them a quick text or note after the dust has settled. I love receiving cookbooks as presents and the first time (or second or third) that I make something from a gifted cookbook, I’ll take a picture of what I made and one of the pages the recipe is on and send it to the friend who got it for me. This gesture serves as a nice little surprise for them weeks or months after they’ve given something, long after they’ve remembered your birthday. It keeps the gift alive in a way, and that is beautiful. 

If someone buys me an article of clothing that I wear all the time, I’ll take a picture of myself wearing it and send it to them like “look at what you did! The taste. The glamour! You did so well.” It’s an accomplishment to buy someone something so personal and have them love it more than the regular stuff they’d get for themselves. How do you know me this well? Why didn’t I think of this first?

If someone buys you a plant (which is, as mentioned, an excellent gift), sending them a quick picture of where you ended up putting it to face the sun is so sweet. I love when people buy me plants because if I can keep them alive, I always think of that person when I look at that plant. If the plant dies, no harm done, you can just replace it with some herbs or something. 

When my mom was six, a family friend brought her a beautiful baby doll for Christmas and she was so overwhelmed with shock and appreciation she was rendered speechless by this man’s kindness. Her parents urged her to thank the friend but she couldn’t form words, she felt so happy. The man insisted that it was fine, knowing that she loved the doll with how big her eyes got and how tightly she held onto her new daughter. First, I aspire to this level of gift giving. I came close to it once one Christmas when I gave my nephew a giant tool set when he was four and he closed his mini fists and shook with excitement over it. It was like 40 bucks. Kids are easy to buy gifts for, though. So maybe don’t congratulate yourself for this. When on a walk the other weekend, my nieces used the opportunity of me buying a gift for a family friend at a bookstore and European novelty store for me to take pictures of all the items they wanted me to buy for Christmas. After worrying about my phone’s storage capacity, I started pretending to snap pictures until they both picked up on my lie and insisted I actually take the photos. 

As a good gift giver, I want to know that my gift meant something to the receiver. I’m selfish like that. We all are. Our gifts may not be conditional but we want you to love them as much as we love giving them.